Dress: c/o Sosandar, Bag: c/o Fonott, Shoes: Castaner, Sunglasses: c/o Jimmy Fairly
June has been tough for me and this post has taken a lot to write, mainly because my head has been all over the place and it’s taken a while to collect my thoughts and actually get them out cohesively, but also because I don't usually write stuff like this. As someone who is generally pretty happy, likes to take the piss when things aren't the best and always tries to look on the bright side of a shit situation, the last month has really taken It’s toll on me. I feel like lately nothing has been making me happy. It’s not that I haven’t been smiling and laughing or even having a good time, it’s just I feel so deflated and my emotions couldn’t be any more manic. One minute i'm totally in the zone and things are going ok and the next i'm crying into my share bag of revels. I feel like it’s just been one downer after another recently and I’m going through the motions of my life but I feel like I’m in a daze. To be totally honest I feel guilty for even feeling like this and always try to think about how things could be worse in the grand scheme of things, but i'm trying to accept that everything is relative and you’re allowed to feel bad about your own situations in life without comparing them to other people’s worse goings on.
Since we got broken into I’m constantly on edge, I haven’t had a proper nights sleep in what feels like forever and I’ve shed more tears than a teething toddler. None of this would really be apparent from the outside however, as I’m still posting content regularly, still attending events, still answering emails and generally carrying on as normal (well, on the surface and to anyone who isn’t my Mam or my boyfriend that is). Throughout my life I’ve been around people close to me who have struggled with their mental health, and have always been as supportive and understanding as I could, however have never in a million years thought it would be something that would directly affect me. When I first got diagnosed with diabetes about six years ago, it was such a massive shock and I found it pretty hard to deal with at first but I just got on with it as best I could. I was offered to talk to someone on numerous occasions but have always felt it’s ‘not for me’ and that ‘I’m fine’. The older I get however, the more ridiculous I realise bottling things up is and the more open to it i guess i'd be. Admitting that you feel a bit rubbish and actually just getting things off your chest is so important in order to get back to feeling like yourself. Turns out you really can't help the way you feel, and sometimes that will be bloody awful, but we have to feel that way in order to come out of the other side and know what feeling bloody great really is like. I guess that, for me, is definitely something I always think when I’m feeling a bit deflated and down in the dumps.
I wrote this post when I was feeling particularly shit and, as I (apprehensively) press publish a week or so later, I am feeling a bit brighter. However I feel it’s so important, mainly to myself, to be completely honest about how I have felt. Life isn’t always rainbows and flowers and although on the surface someone may look totally fine, it’s not always the case, so I just wanted to put this out there and say that it’s ok to not always be ok. Sometimes life is shit, but sometimes it’s bloody great and I’ll leave you with one of my favourite quotes to always remember - this too shall pass. Rachael X
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Photos by Bekky Lonsdale